The Tales of Missus P.

A child-free couple is a total outsider when it comes to the details of parenting a child. As intelligent consumers, we see this as a research method; read the reviews from those who have said item that we may be interested in having ourselves.

Parents, you make parenting sound just awful.

I know you all love your kids, I’m not disputing that, but as a person without children in her home, I wonder why on Earth anyone who hears the things parents say would ever want one (or more!) of their own.

Before anyone jumps on my case for being insensitive or misinformed, I’m merely stating what people who have children have said themselves. I don’t know if it’s true or not – I don’t have a baby running around here.

Here’s a list of things I have heard parents say within the last week, month, or year:

1. You’ll never, ever do anything you want ever again once you have a kid. Just make a list of everything you like to do and burn it.

2. You’ll never sleep. Babies don’t sleep. Toddlers don’t sleep. Kids, just don’t sleep – and neither will you. EVER. You’ll lose so much sleep you won’t think straight, you’ll forget to wash your hair, you’ll be a zombie. This lasts for years before the kids sleeps through one full night.

3. Kids use their pooh to destroy bed sheets, mattresses, and walls. But it’s adorable…isn’t it?

4. Babies eat diapers. (I did this when I was little. I must have been bored.) They’ll also be allergic to diapers so the idea of just buying cheap diapers may not work because your baby may be allergic to them.

5. Kids have to eat everything that is as natural as possible. Everything has toxins in them, especially baby formula, so you have to only give them raw vegetables and a “clean” diet. You don’t want to give chemicals to your kids. (This means they can’t ever have soda, or McDonald’s, or sugar, or full fat milk, or anything we took for granted in the 70s and 80s.)

6. Having a kid is like being in jail. You’ll never be alone again. The kid needs you 24/7 and depends on you for everything, so you will never, ever have a life of your own again. (But it’s a good jail.)

7. Wives get jealous of the attention the kid gets from the grandparents and the husband. The husband gets jealous of the attention the wife gives to the baby. You use to be happy, then you had a kid, and now everyone is sleep deprived, resentful, and miserable. Your honeymoon is over.

8. Breastfeeding is horrible, but you have to do it because your baby won’t be healthy otherwise. If you don’t do it, other mothers will look down on you. Your doctor will tell you there are no real toxins in baby formula, even though everyone else told you it did. You have to feed the baby all the time, and it’s painful. The baby will not eat with a blanket over him either, so you have to expose yourself everywhere, even if it’s inconvenient, because you have to feed the baby. Your husband will get jealous of all the time the kid spends with your body as well.

9. You will never be able to go to the toilet without the kid trying to barge in on your, or barge in on other people in public restroom stalls. (I believe this one – I’ve had plenty of kids try to open bathroom doors or just crawl on the floor to “visit” me in mine.)

10.  Kids are fussy. They won’t eat. They are like a blender without a top (a Seinfeld quote). They will kick you when you try to change their diaper. They will make grocery shopping unbearable. They makes a mess at a restaurant. They will cry at the movies. Basically, you can’t do anything that makes them happy for long.

11. Kids are expensive. If you’re worried about how expensive it will be, you shouldn’t have kids. Even if you think you couldn’t afford it, you’ll find the money somewhere.

12. If I had to do it over again, I would never have kids.

13. People who don’t have children are happier. Couples who don’t have children get along better too.

14. You never realize how angry you can get until you have children.

15. Kids gets sick all the time. You’ll always take them to the doctor for some kind of illness. In Florida, sometimes they even need breathing treatments because of the weird flu thing they’ve picked up. (For the record neither me, or my husband, where sick like this as kids. I caught some nasty bugs at college and as a teacher, so I can only imagine what kind of weird germs are running around now.)

Now most parents I know seem to be happy and loving to their kids. But, man, when you hear the “dark” side of it, it seems like some kind of beast you’re let run loose in your home. Only a very few parents have said that parenting is fun and it’s the best decision they ever made. I also see the “I LOVE MY KIDS!!!!!” updates and the “Share this if you love your kids” posts too. I’m just saying that when you look at the “reviews” on parenting, the option seems pretty bleak, as if you’re choosing happiness or children.

Personally, I think we would be the “kids are fun” kind of parents. We like kid-like things, and neither of us are preoccupied with a career or anything outside the home. Plus, I like working with kids; they’re funny and sweet. I don’t think having one them running loose in the house would be all bad.

But, I’m no expert.